I know this is my first blog, but, I need to rant and rave about my life, because it helps me get through how I am feeling at this time.
I am married to an alcoholic. It is one of the hardest jobs a wife has. If you haven't been married to one, or known one, you cannot understand why. What is even harder, is being a Mother to a toddler, AND a wife to an alcoholic.
Since day one, my husband has hid the fact he was an alcoholic. Just turned 20, I was so nieve, and didnt think for a second that a 21year old could already be an alcoholic. Boy, was I wrong.
He drank almost a gallon of vodka in his mother's house in which we lived. He would say weird things, and act so funny, even scary at times. His mom thought I would party with him, when really, I did everything I could to keep him quite, and acting decent so she wouldn't come up stairs to yell at us. Then, one day, she wrote him a serious letter saying if he did not stop the drinking he would be out on his own, with nowhere to go..... 4 months, he was sober. Life was starting to be great between us.
We got our very first apartment together, in October of '04. Life was good for the first few months, then he one day, he thought, hey, I have my own apartment, and no mom telling me what to do..So, he drank, and drank, and didnt care how much he hurt me emotionally, by the crude words he would say to me. He would apologize the next day, and then off he went to do it again the next night.
Many times I left him...Thinking I could leave, and not look back...Valentines day, 2005, he Proposed to me. Promised me that I was his world, and meant everything to him. Told me he would quit drinking to have me back, and he wanted me to be his wife. I believed him...
February 18th, 2005, we eloped. Two weeks he lasted....then he drank again. I decided to leave him, and move into my parents, quit my job working with his step dad, and be on my own. I moved out, but, he came with me. Told me that he needed help, and was willing to get it, and would move with me, and my parents to be around someone all day, so he wouldnt tempt to get drunk...It worked...he didnt drink while at my parents...Until I had surgery on a tumor found on my right ovary. I was in the hospital for 5 days. He came to visit me everyday, but on the 4th day, he left to go home early. Later found out, that my dad went in, to find him passed out, reaking of alcohol. I guess his drinking was too important to be there for me when I needed him the most.
I guess to make a long story short, I dealt with his alcoholism for 3 years, on and off, he quit for months, and weeks at a time, and there were some good in our relationship too, don't get me wrong, but I had to deal with his drinking.
One morning, I came home from a friends house, December of 2007, he had drank a whole 18 pack, and had 6 gone from another 18. I didnt want to deal with his crap that morning, so i took his alcohol and hid it under the bed, and told him to lets go to sleep, and save the rest of his beer for tomorrow. He didn't like that Idea, so he screamed at me, and called me names, so i decided, to throw his beer in the dumpster...He followed me and our dog out, and then locked the door, with him inside. I pleaded with him to open the door, because it was really cold out, and I had no shoes on. Our dog isnt the nicest, so I was worried about that too. He finally let me in, but right before I was to get back out of the apt, to finish throwing his beer out, he shoved me against the door, and choked me, put his left arm on my right, and dug his nails into my arm so hard, it broke skin, and bruised horribly. Yes, I called the cops, and he went to jail...
I packed up all my stuff the next day....left him, and moved in with my parents the next day. The night he was in jail though, i called a friend of mine, asked him to come over, for saftey, somehow things happened, we had sex, and two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant....
Not by my husband either.....
While still seperated, Anthony and I spoke still. He offered to go with me to planned parenthood, to confirm my pregnancy, and I agreed. I had no one there for me. My unborn child's father wanted nothing to do with her...or me. So, he was completely out of the picture, busy getting more women pregnant.
Anthony and I formed a new friendship, he was going to AA, which he never had done before, and was doing everything he could to prove he was changed, and would never drink again... When I was 6 1/2 months pregnant, I moved back in with Anthony. Life was great, it was perfect, and he was such a great Daddy to be, to a little girl who wasnt his. I was truly blessed.
Feb 2010...I came down with pneumonia....ended up in the hospital for 4 days, and once again....ALMOST 2 years sober......he drank while my parents watched our daughter....
Now starts the vicious cycle again...here I am, heart ripped to shredds....June 2010, and he still hasnt stopped. Every weekend....he wants to drink what he calls a little "12" pack. I beg him, and plead with him to not drink for our daughter, and I, and to stop drinking for himself. He tells me he will stop if I dont want him to drink, then next thing ya know, he is asking me if he can have a drink....
This will never end....I need to leave...and hope one day I can have my ducks in a row, and do it for good. After all, its not just me anymore I need to think about. I have to also think about my almost 2 year old daughter........ It is a sad thing....to be an alcoholics wife.
